Mine is a funny story with twists and turns and surprises but one consistent theme, or that's always been my hope. Love. Love has always been my guiding emotion. I have always sought out love and always wanted to be a person that others could depend on to come to for support and love. And as I've grown and adjusted, questioned my own beliefs, and been faced with things I never expected that desire was still always there; to be loved and love in return.
I grew up in a very religious household. My entire family belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I believed so strongly in the church for the first three decades of my life. A large number of my friends and family on Facebook are members of the church. I, myself, went through what I refer to as my 'faith journey' over a decade ago and found that although a lot of the teachings of the church are beautiful, I just don't agree or can't reconcile with many of the rest of the beliefs. I still have a lot of respect for my family and friends and support them and their kids in their church happenings. I credit the church for a lot of the things that I love about myself. But there are big things with which I disagree. I started noticing I disagreed with these things, like I said, over a decade ago which in hindsight is funny to me because the Mormon in me would say that the Lord was preparing me for what my life had in store for me.
I remember when I was 14 years old (the age my oldest is now!) when my best friend in the entire world came out as gay to me. I don't regret much in life, but I have had so many times where I have thought back to how I reacted and had tears spring to my eyes. I wish I had handled it differently. I'm pretty sure I told him I still loved him, but at the time the church taught that being gay was a choice. So even though my friend wasn't a member of my church, I 'enlightened' him that he could resist this temptation and could pray to God to have it removed from his life. I was the first person in the world that he told. Me. Not his twin brother, not his mom.... me and I told him to pray the gay away. Breaks my heart when I think back on it. And thankfully we are still in touch almost 30 years later and he is still one of my best friends. He is very merciful about how I reacted and chooses to focus on the support I provide him now. He's a good man and I'm blessed to have him in my life.
My interaction with him weighed on my mind for a lot of years. I thought about it as I watched him in healthy, happy relationships where I felt so proud of him for living authentically and carving out a life for himself when the world told him he didn't deserve that happiness. When the church was, in a sense, doubling down saying that a person who felt same-sex attraction just needed to be strong and avoid temptation, I was at the point in my life where I was now married and saw the benefits of having a companion. Yes, the benefit of having an intimate relationship and being able to procreate and have children (which we struggled with and had to see doctors for assistance like a gay couple might have to- oh my! 🙄) but more so just that I could have that relationship in my life that provided that person with whom I could build my life. A person in the church that was gay wouldn't have that opportunity because they might feel that they needed to avoid a person of the opposite sex to avoid feeling they were leading them on and they might feel they should avoid a person of the same sex to avoid that temptation.
And this is where I really delved deep into my belief in God. I likened my 'faith journey' to feeling like all of my beliefs shattered on the floor and I had to go through them one at a time and decide which ones I would keep and which ones would get tossed as I cleaned up the mess. I'm over a decade into it and I'm still sorting through it. But the God I believe in, the God I know doesn't want his children to be miserable even if this time on earth is the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. I refuse to believe that God would not be merciful and understanding in knowing that people should not be alone. Genesis 2:18 says that "It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him an help meet for him." So I really struggled with the idea that God would be okay with people being born gay and then having to struggle and be alone all their lives. The church has softened its position on this and has even come out and said that they know it's not a choice and they encourage people to be kind to LGBT members. But there is still no support in the mindset of them being allowed to marry, not having to resist that temptation.
And this is where my journey began. Truly, this was my first real reason for exploring and researching and questioning things about the religion in which I was raised. I have many reasons for which I no longer believe but it all started here. I will never be one who would ever try to convince people to leave the church. I see so many members that thrive in the church and there is truly so much good that comes from it. But lately, with what my family has gone through and some of the posts I see on Facebook, my heart breaks a little. I sincerely worry about the kids in some of these families if their parents were to face what we have and they have such a strict outlook. I still believe there is room for both, for belief in the church, whatever church you want, as well as a belief in a God that wants you to love your children and to be there for them and doing what is best for them. And that's why I decided to start writing my thoughts. Maybe no one will read it but I'm going to put my thoughts here. Maybe it will reassure a parent who is facing something similar or at least let people know I'm here for them. Because our kids need us. The statistics are downright scary when teens are faced with not having support from family members when they come out as LGBT. And I just keep coming back around to the thought, would God make you feel like he straight up wouldn't accept you? Would he shun you and kick you out of his family? Maybe we need to really think this through....
